Flambe

David Gilmour croons, "Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today." Yeah, maybe Floyd had some pronominal tricks to kill time but when you're hungry none of that matters. The Hoggers are the most puerile lot you'll come across. They believe it to be senesce in many ways to have food at their will. So, when they say lunch's at 4 pm, then it fucking is. For those who came in late, please be informed that good eateries close after 3 & then open only at dinner time. A burst of momentous brilliance (considering the fact that he's not the best person around to make choices) from Fin had them staring at the entrance of Flambe in Kormangala.

Achari Tandoori Mushroom and Buffalo Chicken Wings

The entrance was an understatement with the valour of an unintentional estrangement. The place wasn’t particularly appealing in any way. But again, where’s the need to please any puritans or dogmatics. They took those faltering baby steps to hit the roof top, but in classy vulnerability. The menu was at an enigmatic level concurrent with the fact that Flambe is a Multi cuisine restaurant. Bob immediately hit the bar with effable joy as it was happy hours & did not want to remain sober & sad. He also dragged Bryan away from those boring communist books he’d been hooked to since grade 4. As the nagging ones were enjoying berry nights to the merry, the onus to order was left to the rest.

Sam glanced at the menu with inexorable adulation while Fin still couldn’t get past the starters page. Meanwhile, the rouges at the bar counter gave some cocktail mixing classes to the bartender & in the process burnt few fingers. After much deliberation & arguments the picks included Achari Tandoori Mushrooms & Buffalo Chicken Wings as starters. The main course was Vegetable Sizzler for Fin, Thai Red Curry with Steamed Rice for Sam, Chicken Diane for Bob and Mix Grill Platter for Bryan. Sam suspected trifle quantities & had a Grilled Fish in Green Pepper Sauce for the side order.

Veg Sizzler, Chicken Diane, and Non-Veg Platter

The food burned without the torture of arch lights, precisely living up to the name of the place. The mushrooms remained crisp & well cooked. The chicken wings sweet but the delicious sauce negated that to make it iridescently edible. The Thai red curry had perfect blend of the spices not making a over the top attempt to look authentic. Vegetable Sizzler took some huge effort from Fin's side to finish. The creamy layered finish enticed him too. Chicken Diane was moist and well laid to perfect flames from the grill. The Mix Grill Platter had some luscious pork chops that were finely cut & prepared to perfection. The only notable disappointment was the Grilled Fish. As it wasn’t fresh the seasoning failed to impress them.

Grilled Fish in Green Pepper Sauce and Thai Red Curry with Steamed Rice

Flambe was just like a well balanced sentence & the food induced a lethargic ameliorated mood. Having explored yet another eatery, they faded into the sumptuous garden of evil engulfed by the intoxicating twilight in a pastel hue of stunning silence. Time, for now, seemed an outdated concept.

Pat wasn’t able to make it as he has a serious point of concern these days. He keeps wondering what the guy who discovered milk was doing with the cow, in the first place. The Pseudo Sophisticated was preoccupied being himself as temporary replacement for the boss on Dilbert strips. Living his dream was too exulting for him to consider lingering at such despicable joints.

Venue – No.93, 5th Cross, 6th Block, Koramangala,

Recommended – Almost everything

Music – Bryan & Bob's drunken ribaldry

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - ****

Ambience - ***

Service - ***

The Crew!!!

Maybe it's time The Hoggers have been on covers of magazines, but lending their classy vulnerabilities for paparazzi kept them a while. Apologies nevertheless. A sudden spark or momentous brilliance from Sloppy Sam did result in quite a stir on his FB page. So this one is for the ones who did enjoy the melancholy strangles of their ineffable joy in finding food & having a good time with it!

Fickle Fin: Musician at heart but wanderer by soul. Life: It's Yoga, Baby!

Sloppy Sam: The most popular one, things come in his size & flavour these days!

Brewmaster Bryan: Life doesn't get better than this, totally eccentric, lost, found & all things in between!

Beer Bob: Heartthrob of weird chicks, but loves to find high spirits wherever they are & a good one at it!

Paneer Pat: The athletic one, confused yet spontaneous at the same time!

The Pseudo Sophisticated: Well you really don't wanna know. It seems, if you say nobody's perfect, he takes it as a personal insult!

Cafe Thulp

Not so long ago, somewhere in the middle of a texan desert, a redneck had an idea of food and he went wild searching for an apt response. So after some mindless action, heavy duty glycerin-induced emotions & disjointed scenes that carried forward without a thought to linearity of narrative, he had someone invent the hamburger! And boy, the redneck was happy! So he went ahead and bought a bigger gun. All rednecks do that. It's their way of celebrating!

But then an imbecile named Donald combined it all with the veneer and commercially homogenized atmosphere of a shitty restaurant to come up with what we all know today as Mc D. That he put a lid on the actual thing and churned out few impostors is very evident. At least that's the case in India. So finding the true bastion of a burger was taken up by The Hoggers and it ended at Cafe Thulp. Fin & Pat would be considered illegal in all sates of the US of A, as they are vegans. So they did not risk being shot by some redneck. Sam was too busy with his project. Last heard he'd researched to find 2 facts about ducks & both of them were wrong.

The place passes off as a shady outlet drenched red by some moron who had no idea what a paint job was. To be precise it appears as a veritable hell-hole of an eatery. But having seen far flung cases, they devoured the menu. Their qualms were put to rest at the very sight of the real deal! Moos your Daddy? Before you think the writer has gutted on his English skills, please note that it's the name they've given to the most sensitized item on that list. That's what they were they for. The real burger. And the real burger is pure beef with cheese, lettuce, pickle & a slice of tomato. Period. Bryan & Bob were calm and solemn in their choice.

Their dubious reputation however managed to stay afloat. So they also ordered a Non-Veg Platter with Teriyaki Sauce. And then it arrived. The calm & solemn broke into a pandemonium so much that they almost created a riot inside the dilapidated building. It reminded them of their undying love towards food & they thanked their wishful selves it hadn't faded into anonymity once the veneer of youth wore off.

Moos Your Daddy

It was a huge pound of pure beef, smooth cheese, lettuce & a dash of bacon to keep things in place. The bite wasn't as luscious a you'd expect but then at times you just do things to satisfy more than hunger. A meal like that brings out the kid in you. So it's about being impulsive, thoughtless, playful & all those countless things of grace. The Non-Veg platter was nothing close to being existent. The Teriyaki sauce was too sweet for Bryan's liking. It invoked the grim frustrations of a failed desire. But then, the reason for visiting Cafe Thulp was indeed the burger and that never disappointed. Agreed it is not a scrumptious meal that you'd lick your fingers.

But it was the real deal nevertheless. After all you can never come out old & wise unless you've been young & crazy. So lets all be 8 year olds and do this. Where's the gwaning pressure to be sensible anyways?

The Pseudo Sophisticated it seems had taken the advice to be an 8 yr old literally. He has wrapped an old school tie around his head & pretends to be the 5th teenage mutant ninja trurtle. And let us confirm that the rumours of him having a heart attack are just bogus. His heart isn't that foolish to attack him!

Venue - 1st Main Rd, Koramangala 1st Block, Koramangala

Recommended – Moos Your Daddy?

Music – Effortless concoctions of a stupid blender

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - ***

Ambience - **

Service - **

The French Quarter Bistro

The Hoggers have always advocated against healthy diets. If you’re feeling tired, cranky or bloated it’s perhaps the time to change your lifestyle. And that means you can trade soy chunks for red meat and green tea for chocolate milkshakes. Well the French don’t think like The Hoggers. Beacuse they are a bunch of anorexic geeks who get their nose jobs done in American clinics. That’s maybe the reason why their food is too fragile, too thin and too anorexic. In your pursuit of fitness, you’ve probably generated a list full of healthy, hearty foods but you’re itching for something yummy. Then this one’s definitely not for you!

The Entrance, Chicken Liver & Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines

The humdrum of unemployment were ringing too strident in the minds of The Hoggers. That’s when the sad news broke out that Sam had finally got the chance to earn some green. The disappointment among the lot also meant this was the chance to despoil the squirrel. Carrying hardened hearts they decided to go extravagant with their choice and ended up at French Quarter Bistro in Indiranagar. The calm and inexpressive locale had nothing laudable about it. The menu and specials were, least to say, disconsolate words put up together to make no sagacity to their minds.

Spiral Spinach with Mushroom & Cheese, Steak Au Poivre, Tenderloin Steak with Red Wine

Fin seemed too exacerbated by the summer heat. He directly went for a simple Mango Blast. Sam & Pat followed it up with a Fresh Lime Soda. Bryan & Bob had an extravagant glee in their grins. So, couple of Brandy & Beers later they picked up Chicken Liver as starters. A peeved Sam gulped down his expensive soda with disgust. Pat ordered Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines for the herbies & Fin agreed as though he’d understood everything what it would turn out to be. Sam felt the need for a soup and went for a Soupe Au Pisto. Bryan & Bob made their choice easier for the main course (they were unable to grasp anything written on the menu). They blindly ordered for the most expensive item on the menu which turned out to be Tenderloin Steak with Red Sauce and Steak Au Poivre. Sam settled for an FQ Chicken with Peppercorn & Cream. Pat was rattled to find out that Paneer was yet to be invented in France. After much persuasion from Fin they gibed on Spiral Spinach with Mushroom & Cheese.

Chef's Special Chicken & FQ Chicken with Peppercorn & Cream

The sight of food was itself a disappointment as it was too paltry for their appetites. The scanty dressing and the quintessence of bread with each item exasperated them to unprecedented levels. The Chicken Liver was soft yet bland. The olives were the only ones giving it flavour and it was minced to the scummy levels. The Mango Blast & Lime Soda proved to be some really expensive blunders. The Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines managed to be slightly on the delectable side. But then, how wrong can you go with a bunch of brinjals? The Soupe Au Pisto too lived a toothsome life down Sam’s throat.

Coming to the main course, the Spiral Spinach was pretty bland as well. The stifle combination failed to impress the herbies. Sam seemed pleased with his FQ Chicken as it had a touch of spices & the flavouring really engrossed the meat. Perhaps Bob was the only one with a clear winner. The Steak Au Poivre was tender, juicy & cooked medium rare to perfection. But the beef of Bryan’s Tenderloin Steak seemed to have come from cattle on which the French conducted some serious bestiality for a new porn film. It was a dead rubber with no juices intact and the red wine sauce was too sour for his liking. The food did not result in a predilection of sorts for the entire group. Sam & Bryan were adamant to have another picking to compile a proper review. They went for the Chef’s Special Chicken. Once it was tasted, the Brandy & Beer took its toll on Bryan who barged into the kitchen with a fork to kill the Chef!

The food wasn’t profligate but the cheque remained to be. Alas, that’s all Bryan & Bob had wished for. The swarming hands of miser Sam reached for their necks. The Pseudo Sophisticated couldn’t make it even this time. It seems he’s been tuning his musical skills. Last heard he’s got into Elton John, not literally of course!

Venue - #298, 100 Feet road, Indiranagar

Recommended – Steak Au Poivre

Music – Santana crooning at his worst

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Woodstok

There’s something exquisite about continental cooking. Apparently it’s the only way a man could ever get away with his culinary skills. That is because men do not multi task, apart from screwing up several things at the same time! On a hot Sunday noon, while brushing away the cobwebs of an alcohol induced sleep, Bryan hit upon the obviousness of a nice cosy lunch. Bob too agreed as they were in no mood to confirm their depravity towards cooking. And it had to be continental in order to help cure the hangover.

The result was a nice clamped little restaurant in Indiranagar. Woodstok, is by no means your ordinary dining option. It’s got a class of its own. Cramped to a corner, off the main road, it’s a cosy yet beautiful little fad built with stones and wood. It’s a nice way to spend your boring Sunday perched atop a balcony that’ll please, even the most pernickety of thin lipped feminists. The food was just as pleasing as the thought. Sipping into his Chocolate Blizzard, Fin was enthused by Bryan’s choice of dining. The continental flare is evident in the menu. Bryan & Bob wasted no time in plumping for The London Hose Grill. Fin scanned the menu with his cardinal rules and after Bryan administered the most almighty kick to his plums, he sought refuge with a Cottage Cheese Sizzler.

Cottage Cheese Sizzler and London House Grill

The London House Grill was an unambiguous picking of the best meats they could get. And it turned out to be a preeminent bout of vanity on a plate. The ham, beef & chicken cooked to the right textures cleared the doom-laden Sunday boredom. The meats were tender, juicy & appetizing enough. The Cottage Cheese Sizzler was a huge pile resting on some hot rice that was quickly mucked up by Fin. The oozing flow from the fat bed of veggies, baked into a succulent meal, did wonders for Fin that afternoon. The dessert was Blueberry Cheese Cake and it proved why the place was so popular for its pastries. Even the ice cream is made in-house and the kind of seriousness with which they go about flavouring it, is just intense.

But more than the food it’s the place that overwhelms you. The fine setting, the cosy ambience, the works are so facet that you just marvel at it. So it is definitely the place to go when you and the lads want to have a nice outing after an evening of drinking and share some good ribaldry.

Pat could not make it as he’s been heeding the cries of commitment yet again so he went thong shopping for the imaginary muse! Yeah, right! Sam decided that he was too short, too fat and too broke to fit into the itinerary for the day. The Pseudo Sophisticated is back from heaven and put all his winning money on black and it came up red. He then married a sex kitten just that she turned into a cat. After which he moved into the gold just as all the clever money moved out. Cut to the chase, he’s totally screwed up!

Venue - #3777, Domlur Service Road, HAL 2nd Stage, Indiranagar

Recommended – London House Grill & all Desserts

Music – Peaceful & Quiet

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ****

Ambience - ****

Service - ****

The Egg Factory

A quaint call from the Hoggers, set my heart racing, the caller sounded like Stephen Hawking on a bad day. He was clearly not into niceties; he just came to the point and asked me for a suggestion. Being an eggitarian the best I could come up was The Egg Factory. I asserted the need for lunch & chalked out the time at 1300 hours.

I reached there with minutes to spare. I walked in - the sight that greeted was not exactly what I expected to see. There, around the table sat five masked people and in black jumpsuits with name tags. I was ushered into an empty seat at the end of the table. One of them shoved a menu card and asked me to order lavishly for an extensive food review. Reckon they were inebriated to a point of disputable return. I wondered how wickedly a human mind could function. Alas, they did not seem human. They communicated to each other in Morse code which I could barely understand. I even found it difficult to pick their nascence. Ignoring the megalomaniac setting of an old tavern, I went about with my job. I picked up the dishes based on the inputs from the server. Initially I wasn’t able to perpetuate to the various demands of The Hoggers’ appetite but my prostate efforts to impress them did work out in my favour.

Mushroom Feta & Spinach Omelette and Southwestern Frittata

Anda Paapdi Chaat, Egg Chilly, Hungarian Omelette, Mushroom Spinach & Feta Omelette and South-western Frittata were the starters chosen by me. Just when I decided to move on, Fin cried out for a Pink Lady. He seemed to be pretty obscure with the choice. I realised it was a strawberry based drink but guess he took it the wrong way. Bryan & Bob were still nursing their fractured hopes of getting a drink. Sadly the place did not serve alcohol. However, they went for a Lime Soda. Sam kept laughing at their debauchery and kept nagging all the while. Pat seemed to be oblivious to the happenings. It wrongly appeared to me as though he'd been dreaming a fornicatress! Nevertheless, good sense prevailed and I was proved wrong.

Egg Chilly and Anda Paapdi Chaat

Pink Lady and Lime Soda

Deciding to move on, I went about all guns blazing for the main course. It was Corn & Pepper Biryani, Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta, Eggs & Mushroom Ragout Penne, Eggs Florentine, Mighty Mushroom Pasta, Tangy Tomato Pasta and finally Penne Alfredo with Cilantro Pesto & Eggs. After excusing me from further tensions, we dug into the starters. From the line up the Egg Chilly stood out for its perfect execution. The boiled eggs in capsicum and red chilli sauce were indeed mouth watering. The desi Anda Paapdi Chaat was crispy and well served.

That's me!!!

The Hungarian Omelette wasn’t that good though. It lacked any peculiar taste and the serving was too feeble. Mushroom Spinach & Feta Omelette was a mediocre offering. The South-western Frittata had good texture and the tartar sauce spread really gave it a good flavour.

Corn & Pepper Biriyani and Tangy Tomato Pasta

We all desperately waited for the main course to arrive. The wait that ensued was quite perturbing. But it was worth every minute of our time. The only let down was the Corn & Pepper Biryani which turned out to be too salty with a bland raita. The Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta was cooked well and had a good tomato texture to it. The creamy layering on Eggs & Mushroom Ragout Penne did wonders to its taste. Egg Florentine was a beautiful and delicious serving.

Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta, Eggs Florentine, Mighty Mushroom Pasta

It had boiled eggs cut into shapes of heart drenched in creamy white sauce. The simple yet effective flavouring on the Mighty Mushroom Pasta gave it a scrumptious effect. Tangy Tomato Pasta literally lived up to its name. The fastidious offering gave out a luscious taste. I was delighted that The Hoggers were indeed reminiscent of my suggestions. The final picking was Strawberry Cheese Cake as dessert. The soft texture and saccharine taste assured me that I had a winner.

Penne Alfredo with Cilantro Pesto & Eggs, Eggs Mushroom Ragout Penne, Hungarian Omelette

The cheque was immediately devoured by the crew and they did keep their promise (I did not have to pay). The time came to part ways & I couldn’t help but enquire about the demise of The Pseudo Sophisticated. Bryan pulled out a post card sent by The Pseudo from the gates of heaven. It read: “Mr. Saran, at the outset please consider my deepest apologies for being unable to host you for lunch. I would like to inform you that I’m currently near to heaven and the inclement weather kept me stranded at the airport. You’d be happy to note that I won the strip poker game against God and am now allowed to return to earth. What kept me interested in the game was the fact that God was indeed a woman! Yours Truly, The Pseudo Sophisticated.”

Strawberry Cheesecake and The Aftermath

Venue - Ground Floor, White House, St Marks Road

Recommended – Mighty Mushroom Pasta, Desi Penne Pasta, Egg Chilly & Strawberry Cheesecake

Music – Morse code (The Hoggers communicate in it & I was all ears)

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

Nagarjuna

The noontides in The Hoggers’ surge to find the best biryani in Bangalore got a head start through a suggestion made by a dedicated foodie. The momentous culmination to those distant afternoons and nights filled with frustration ended at Nagarjuna Restaurant. The place had an air of creative ambivalence and was done up well to the point of perfection. That the food would be limited to biryani was an obvious certainty. Yet, they divulged the menu to get a feel of the place.

The food on offer was limited. They served Andhra cuisine at its best. Fin being the veggie that he is took a hell lot of a time to zero down to a choice. Pat was too miffed to find that the place did not have his favourite dish. The revelation surged into his fractured recollects and filled in the lacunae with a snowy aftertaste. Bryan, Bob & Sam already had their choices well in hand. The herbies finally decided to go with Curd Rice & pickle as an assortment. The undependable Chicken Biryani was the immediate cry from the meat lovers. The food arrived almost immediately. With the first morsel itself, Bob’s eyes gleamed. That brought about a shine on Bryan’s face. Sam was undeterred about the whole happening as he ruthlessly ripped apart the chicken. Fin & Pat seemed mighty happy with their serving too. Finally the wait was over.

The biryani was cooked to perfection. The rice did not smother them like the previous ones. The flavouring & spices created the aroma that went missing in most biryanis in Bangalore. Chicken pieces we tender and the masala really had a wrap around them. The raita served was bland though. The Curd Rice which had all the chances of going wrong actually livened the proceeding. The pickle assortment kept things spicy. After the meal they all concurred on the fact that this was indeed the best biryani in Bangalore. Period!

Since it was a dedicated quest for the best biryani they could not indulge in the other hot pickings on the menu. They left the place with a promise to return. After all it had been a desirable sojourn!

The Pseudo Sophisticated was killed by the rest of the crew for his mis-endeavours. Last heard he was playing strip poker with St.Peter for an entry into heaven. It seems that he has challenged God for a game too, with the stakes being a chance to return to earth!

Venue- 44/1, Residency Road

Recommended – THE BIRYANI (Chicken or Mutton)

Music – Kenny G (it seems he was pressing for the Telangana issue)

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****