Queen's

Food in all its avatars can never be merely functional. Food has to invoke emotion, reaction. Food has to arouse passion. Food has to excite and entice. It has to create memories. It has to become a part of your personal legacy. There’s also nothing wrong in deriving pleasure from food. This weekend, The Hoggers were in oblivious mood with their delicious utterances, to find a plate of food egging them to dig in! And that mood took them to Queen’s Restaurant on Church Street.

Paneer Pat vouched for the place as though it’s been owned by his in-laws. The dingy setting did not help Bryan & Bob to make up their minds. But, they went in due to Pat’s constant crooning. The interiors had a rustic look scorched with mirrors all over. Screening the menu was not much of trouble as it was short and sweet. The place serves authentic Punju food and the prices don’t hurt that much. Bryan & Bob went for Peshwari Kababs for starters while Pat lived up to his name and ordered Paneer Tikka. The Kababs were well cooked and had the tenderness of a blonde bombshell. The Paneer was bland as usual and Pat never really bothered to complaint. Moreover, the Mango Lassi that he’d ordered made him wish he’d cooked the Sunday lunch!

Mango Lassi, Chicken Peshwari & Paneer Tikka

The main course was Chicken Methiwala, Paneer Butter Masala & Butter Kulchas. Pat has lost a bit of his mind nowadays and is so obsessed with his name that he’s become monotonous with the food he eats. Bryan & Bob prayed for his early recovery but also promised that the next time he’s going to order paneer, they’d kill a cow. Chicken Methiwala never lived up to the expectations. It was more like vegetable based gravy which had chicken dropped in accidently, by a naive looking Afghan! Bryan & Bob decided that they weren’t going to review the Paneer Butter Masala ‘coz it’s become too boring to talk about. The Kulchas were good but not big enough to satisfy their exploding bellies. Overall, it was a mediocre visit and they were left unabashed.

Paneer Butter Masala, Chicken Methiwala & Kulcha

Fickle Fin visited the clinic that day. He spent about 2 hours deciding which part of his body was actually ailing & realised that he was spoilt for choice. Hence he returned. Sloppy Sam did not understand the directions given to him to reach the place. Last heard, he’d reached Buckingham Palace, London & ended up meeting The Queen! The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy in his “endeavours”. It seems he’d been involved in a stare-off with the Sun and that he’s too sad because he lost.

Venue – 7, Shringar Shopping Centre, Church Street

Recommended – Peshwari Kabas

Music – Non-stop yanking from the nearby table

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Caesar's

Scene 1: The Decision

The incessant drizzling and sombre weather set the scene, a shade of grey drape the room, Brewmaster Bryan and Beer Bob lie on their backs staring at the ceiling, with an expression of frustration. They get up, look at each other and without a word being exchanged; it must have been telepathy or the fact that their stomachs were rumbling, that they unequivocally decided a good meal is what they needed.

Scene 2: Getting There

The heroes are in a rick, the camera follows them on a helicopter with gliding shots of the city. The rick comes to a stop in front of a restaurant named Caesars, on MG Road and after haggling with the rick guy, the two of them turn to look at the neon sign, which wouldn’t have looked out of place on a strip club. Skepticism creeps on to their faces, but they shrug and soldier on.

Scene 3: The Venue

The camera takes in the details of the huge restaurant, it was a symphony of green, green carpets, green walls and faded green chairs and the only relief was the dull pink tablecloth. The two recognise that the restaurant has seen better days; it’s just that the patronage has grown old and it has grown old with them, refusing to change with the times. They are ushered to a table and the menus served.

Getting bored of further abusing the contrivance of a screenplay, the writer decided to do this old school.

Bryan and Bob ordered a Mutton Pepper Soup to warm things up. The waiter suggested a better solution of Brandy with pepper. Tempted, both looked at their bulging tummies and politely refused. Bryan further ordered Steak ala Caesar’s (a double barrel combo of chicken & beef) and Bob a Chicken Kiev (tender chicken stuffed with butter & wrapped in a coating before being deep fried). The soup bought was quickly devoured, it was excellent, and a thick concoction of mutton stock and spices really warmed things up. A basket of garlic bread was given as accompaniment, but the bread wasn’t soft enough.

Chicken Kiev Steak ala Caesar's

Then the cavalry arrived. The steak was served with boiled veggies and the Kiev on a bed of mashed potatoes and both were heavenly. The beef was soft beyond reason; it just melted in their mouths. The Kiev, stuffed with butter and chicken was a sublime combination. Bryan isn’t a fan of milk products so Bob didn’t have to deal with his meddling fork. Alas, the same couldn’t be said for Bryan, as Bob’s fork constantly helped itself. The food was so good that sweet-tooth Bob didn’t bother with desserts

The rest of the cast were down and out due to various reasons. Fickle Fin was confused as to whether he should come or not. By the time he’d made a decision, Bob & Bryan were on their way back. Paneer Pat had no understanding of clouds. Hence, he backed off considering the fact that the rains might give him a much needed bath. Sloppy Sam was yet to digest the virus he’d eaten and did not want to risk his appetite. The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy as usual. It seems he researched on the ‘Credit Crunch’ and came to the conclusion that it was a breakfast cereal.

Caesars is an option, if you miss fine dining and if you want to do it on a budget. The restaurant has Chinese and Indian cuisine too.

Venue – 9/1 Mahalakshmi Chambers, MG Road

Recommended – Everything

Music – Boy-band songs (a faux- pas)

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

Lazeez

Looking back, it's tempting to find some strange augury in the last trip to 3 Storys. But The Hoggers have remembrances far worse than the midget at the helm here! Hence, they hunted down a small restaurant on a narrow winding street on a rather calm day. The Hoggers were lead to Lazeez Restaurant by their Pot Bellied Friend who'd quit his nonexistent "diet-to-reduce-your-cleavage" just that morning. It seems he calls his belly ‘Steve’ and that he’d once killed a giraffe with it.

Pronouncing the name of the restaurant was an exhilarating period of learning but The Hoggers couldn't waste time to indulge in quantum literature anymore. Barging in, they immediately went for the menu card. The place's hugely popular for it Katti Rolls and Kababs. The onus to order for the carnivores fell upon the shoulders of Brewmaster Bryan and he immediately shouted out for the Lazeez Special Kabab. The herbies, Pat & Fin weren't far behind; they'd made a killing with Masala Naans, Paneer Tikka and Paneer Mutter Masala. Thank God for the cow and its milk! Beer Bob stressed the importance of gravy and suggested the Mutton Tawa. Butter Naans and Mutton Biriyani were called in to complete the assortment. They washed it all down with some Coke since the place did not serve poison (alcohol).

The food in general was pretty decent. The Kababs were delicious especially the tiny chicken wings which were nice and tender. It was rightly cooked and the juices were just intact. Mutton Tawa was a huge disappointment as it was filled with something that looked like the goat genitals. Moreover, they'd filled it up with too much oil, this upset Bob and Bryan who were ‘dieting’. The veggies had a good lunch as the paneer actually saved the day for them. It had good texture and the tikkas weren't burnt in the usual style. Again, how wrong can you go with milk? Naans were soft but much smaller to their liking. The worst was the Mutton Biriyani which was cold, bland and never really looked like one. Bangalore's yet to impress The Hoggers with a good biriyani. It seems the city stole its biriyani recipe from the Pokhran tests which went wrong. They really need to look up for some spices.

But it was a good experience after all. Their Kathi Rolls are also a must try especially the Double Mutton-Egg combo. The guy selling rolls outside the college would commit hara-kiri if he were to eat one. Sloppy Sam was dearly missed as he'd contacted swine flu. Just when they were about to send in the condolences, news came in that he'd been cured by a simple remedy which always worked for him. He exterminated the virus by eating it. He's happy and kicking now. The Pseudo Sophisticated could not make it yet again. It seems he was busy explaining, to a 3 year old kid, that Star Wars was a documentary and that the character Darth Vader was based on him.

Venue – Lazeez Restaurant, No. 939, 1st Block, 1st Main Road, Koramangala

Recommended – Lazeez Special Kabas

Music – Blaring horns from the street

Variety - ***

Quality - ***

Value for money - ***

Ambience - **

Service - ***