Indi Joe

Exams restricted The Hoggers, from going out hunting for better food, for a long time. That’s because their sponsors could not afford the money for re-exams. The end of it sparked their quest to devour new tastes. The decision was unanimous favouring the fat rich sizzlers at Indi Joe on Church Street.

Indi Joe poses as western cuisine haven. The place screams out loud for attention. The rock n’ roll setting wasn’t helping them to like the place either. It looked like a hippie hideout but the music played did not sync well with the feel of the place. They were still perplexed to the thought that the decision could be wrong. They went in to have the feel of the much hyped menu. The menu turned out to be predictable with scintillating sizzlers and short eats. But the drinks menu was too short for the liking of Beer Bob & Brewmaster Bryan.

The order was to be placed and Fickle Fin could still not figure out the relative importance of a choice. He put his qualms at rest by ordering a Mushroom Cheese Sizzler. Sloppy Sam had a Satellite Chicken, the name must have sent have sent him a signal that he will get a lot to eat (he did of course get a lot). Bob & Bryan were univocal in their thoughts and ended up having Indi Joe’s version of the Double Barrel Sizzler & beer to wash it all down.

The sizzlers were served well and proved to be very rich & filling. Alas, the same could not be said for the taste. The Satellite Chicken was bland & a bit on the raw side. But it did not deter Sam’s indomitable spirit. Fin’s order turned out to be a brown assortment of huge boulders. The Mushroom Cheese was a disappointment as it lacked any texture or sense of taste. The only saving grace was The Double Barrel sizzler which was soft and tender. The beef was particularly juicy and the sauces were just right. Bryan & Bob had a nice meal but their tummies weren’t eloquent enough to clean up the plates. The beer wasn't helping either as it turned out to be flat. The food was like an unending saga. It was too much for a normal appetite. And it did hurt them the next day. An aura of paedophilia filled in as they left the place after burning the pockets. The disappointment triggered a phase of sadism from which they recovered in the subsequent 13 minutes.

Paneer Pat could not make it as he was nursing a cow Bryan & Bob had shot the other day. He’s become a saviour of cows for the sake of the paneer. Meanwhile, The Pseudo Sophisticated was having troubled times. It seems he’d cracked The Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds and was upset that The Lost Symbol was never really lost in the first place.

Venue – 46/2, Kalpak Arcade, Church Street

Recommended – Indi Joe’s Double Barrel Sizzler

Music – Rock & Pop

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Queen's

Food in all its avatars can never be merely functional. Food has to invoke emotion, reaction. Food has to arouse passion. Food has to excite and entice. It has to create memories. It has to become a part of your personal legacy. There’s also nothing wrong in deriving pleasure from food. This weekend, The Hoggers were in oblivious mood with their delicious utterances, to find a plate of food egging them to dig in! And that mood took them to Queen’s Restaurant on Church Street.

Paneer Pat vouched for the place as though it’s been owned by his in-laws. The dingy setting did not help Bryan & Bob to make up their minds. But, they went in due to Pat’s constant crooning. The interiors had a rustic look scorched with mirrors all over. Screening the menu was not much of trouble as it was short and sweet. The place serves authentic Punju food and the prices don’t hurt that much. Bryan & Bob went for Peshwari Kababs for starters while Pat lived up to his name and ordered Paneer Tikka. The Kababs were well cooked and had the tenderness of a blonde bombshell. The Paneer was bland as usual and Pat never really bothered to complaint. Moreover, the Mango Lassi that he’d ordered made him wish he’d cooked the Sunday lunch!

Mango Lassi, Chicken Peshwari & Paneer Tikka

The main course was Chicken Methiwala, Paneer Butter Masala & Butter Kulchas. Pat has lost a bit of his mind nowadays and is so obsessed with his name that he’s become monotonous with the food he eats. Bryan & Bob prayed for his early recovery but also promised that the next time he’s going to order paneer, they’d kill a cow. Chicken Methiwala never lived up to the expectations. It was more like vegetable based gravy which had chicken dropped in accidently, by a naive looking Afghan! Bryan & Bob decided that they weren’t going to review the Paneer Butter Masala ‘coz it’s become too boring to talk about. The Kulchas were good but not big enough to satisfy their exploding bellies. Overall, it was a mediocre visit and they were left unabashed.

Paneer Butter Masala, Chicken Methiwala & Kulcha

Fickle Fin visited the clinic that day. He spent about 2 hours deciding which part of his body was actually ailing & realised that he was spoilt for choice. Hence he returned. Sloppy Sam did not understand the directions given to him to reach the place. Last heard, he’d reached Buckingham Palace, London & ended up meeting The Queen! The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy in his “endeavours”. It seems he’d been involved in a stare-off with the Sun and that he’s too sad because he lost.

Venue – 7, Shringar Shopping Centre, Church Street

Recommended – Peshwari Kabas

Music – Non-stop yanking from the nearby table

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Caesar's

Scene 1: The Decision

The incessant drizzling and sombre weather set the scene, a shade of grey drape the room, Brewmaster Bryan and Beer Bob lie on their backs staring at the ceiling, with an expression of frustration. They get up, look at each other and without a word being exchanged; it must have been telepathy or the fact that their stomachs were rumbling, that they unequivocally decided a good meal is what they needed.

Scene 2: Getting There

The heroes are in a rick, the camera follows them on a helicopter with gliding shots of the city. The rick comes to a stop in front of a restaurant named Caesars, on MG Road and after haggling with the rick guy, the two of them turn to look at the neon sign, which wouldn’t have looked out of place on a strip club. Skepticism creeps on to their faces, but they shrug and soldier on.

Scene 3: The Venue

The camera takes in the details of the huge restaurant, it was a symphony of green, green carpets, green walls and faded green chairs and the only relief was the dull pink tablecloth. The two recognise that the restaurant has seen better days; it’s just that the patronage has grown old and it has grown old with them, refusing to change with the times. They are ushered to a table and the menus served.

Getting bored of further abusing the contrivance of a screenplay, the writer decided to do this old school.

Bryan and Bob ordered a Mutton Pepper Soup to warm things up. The waiter suggested a better solution of Brandy with pepper. Tempted, both looked at their bulging tummies and politely refused. Bryan further ordered Steak ala Caesar’s (a double barrel combo of chicken & beef) and Bob a Chicken Kiev (tender chicken stuffed with butter & wrapped in a coating before being deep fried). The soup bought was quickly devoured, it was excellent, and a thick concoction of mutton stock and spices really warmed things up. A basket of garlic bread was given as accompaniment, but the bread wasn’t soft enough.

Chicken Kiev Steak ala Caesar's

Then the cavalry arrived. The steak was served with boiled veggies and the Kiev on a bed of mashed potatoes and both were heavenly. The beef was soft beyond reason; it just melted in their mouths. The Kiev, stuffed with butter and chicken was a sublime combination. Bryan isn’t a fan of milk products so Bob didn’t have to deal with his meddling fork. Alas, the same couldn’t be said for Bryan, as Bob’s fork constantly helped itself. The food was so good that sweet-tooth Bob didn’t bother with desserts

The rest of the cast were down and out due to various reasons. Fickle Fin was confused as to whether he should come or not. By the time he’d made a decision, Bob & Bryan were on their way back. Paneer Pat had no understanding of clouds. Hence, he backed off considering the fact that the rains might give him a much needed bath. Sloppy Sam was yet to digest the virus he’d eaten and did not want to risk his appetite. The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy as usual. It seems he researched on the ‘Credit Crunch’ and came to the conclusion that it was a breakfast cereal.

Caesars is an option, if you miss fine dining and if you want to do it on a budget. The restaurant has Chinese and Indian cuisine too.

Venue – 9/1 Mahalakshmi Chambers, MG Road

Recommended – Everything

Music – Boy-band songs (a faux- pas)

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

Lazeez

Looking back, it's tempting to find some strange augury in the last trip to 3 Storys. But The Hoggers have remembrances far worse than the midget at the helm here! Hence, they hunted down a small restaurant on a narrow winding street on a rather calm day. The Hoggers were lead to Lazeez Restaurant by their Pot Bellied Friend who'd quit his nonexistent "diet-to-reduce-your-cleavage" just that morning. It seems he calls his belly ‘Steve’ and that he’d once killed a giraffe with it.

Pronouncing the name of the restaurant was an exhilarating period of learning but The Hoggers couldn't waste time to indulge in quantum literature anymore. Barging in, they immediately went for the menu card. The place's hugely popular for it Katti Rolls and Kababs. The onus to order for the carnivores fell upon the shoulders of Brewmaster Bryan and he immediately shouted out for the Lazeez Special Kabab. The herbies, Pat & Fin weren't far behind; they'd made a killing with Masala Naans, Paneer Tikka and Paneer Mutter Masala. Thank God for the cow and its milk! Beer Bob stressed the importance of gravy and suggested the Mutton Tawa. Butter Naans and Mutton Biriyani were called in to complete the assortment. They washed it all down with some Coke since the place did not serve poison (alcohol).

The food in general was pretty decent. The Kababs were delicious especially the tiny chicken wings which were nice and tender. It was rightly cooked and the juices were just intact. Mutton Tawa was a huge disappointment as it was filled with something that looked like the goat genitals. Moreover, they'd filled it up with too much oil, this upset Bob and Bryan who were ‘dieting’. The veggies had a good lunch as the paneer actually saved the day for them. It had good texture and the tikkas weren't burnt in the usual style. Again, how wrong can you go with milk? Naans were soft but much smaller to their liking. The worst was the Mutton Biriyani which was cold, bland and never really looked like one. Bangalore's yet to impress The Hoggers with a good biriyani. It seems the city stole its biriyani recipe from the Pokhran tests which went wrong. They really need to look up for some spices.

But it was a good experience after all. Their Kathi Rolls are also a must try especially the Double Mutton-Egg combo. The guy selling rolls outside the college would commit hara-kiri if he were to eat one. Sloppy Sam was dearly missed as he'd contacted swine flu. Just when they were about to send in the condolences, news came in that he'd been cured by a simple remedy which always worked for him. He exterminated the virus by eating it. He's happy and kicking now. The Pseudo Sophisticated could not make it yet again. It seems he was busy explaining, to a 3 year old kid, that Star Wars was a documentary and that the character Darth Vader was based on him.

Venue – Lazeez Restaurant, No. 939, 1st Block, 1st Main Road, Koramangala

Recommended – Lazeez Special Kabas

Music – Blaring horns from the street

Variety - ***

Quality - ***

Value for money - ***

Ambience - **

Service - ***

3 Storys

Talking about good food in the midst of a shrinking economy, ever growing unemployment and layoff is blasphemy; The Hoggers, know. That's why they insist on talking about it, to inform you that food is indeed a great survivor! In order to beat the mundane chores of daily life at Alliance, they went on a spree to crack down the best restaurant on Lavelle’s Road. It was sheer eagerness from Fickle Fin that resulted in coaxing the rest into zeroing on 3 Storys, a restaurant just off the strip. Paneer Pat missed out as he was playing Tarzan, in vain, to his girlfriend!

The Hoggers made a beeline entry and hit it to the roof top. The view was pretty similar to the one that Kadamba had offered; the brightly lit UB city for a skyline. They had a categorised menu with pretty much everything on it costing the same. The restaurant had laid emphasis on coastal cuisine as their speciality. Goan, Manglorean and Kerala food were in abundance. The Hoggers had Mushroom Bulchao and Stir Fried Prawns for starters. The prawns had no texture and were easy on the spices. It lacked the usual flavouring which were very prominent in coastal cuisines. For a change, the mushrooms were delicious and put in an effort to impress The Hoggers. The place served drinks, this added a dash of excitement into the eyes of Beer Bob & Brewmaster Bryan. Alas, Bryan was disappointed as they served only beer, namely Tuborg & Kingfisher. Tuborg was just bland and seemed like the hops & malts went in for a toss. KF was just the usual but the chill made it quite interesting.

Coming to the main course, Fin shuffled the menu and chose to have the Goan Egg Curry with Whole Wheat Paratha. The others had Chicken Biriyani, Kerala Parathas and Manglorean Chicken Curry in distorted quantities. They also ordered some Sanas, which is a Manglorean rice cake. The food was pathetic to state the least. The biriyani, ordered by Sloppy Sam, was the worst among the lot with nothing going right for it, not even the raitha. It however did not make a difference to him as he licked his plate clean. The chicken curry was overcooked and tasted more like soup. Surprisingly the egg curry was pretty decent but not worth the Rs 150 price tag. The Hoggers were bewildered at the slush which was served as dinner. Yet, they pooled in the cash & walked away with heads held high. And they lived to tell the tale.

The Pseudo Sophisticated couldn’t make it, though. It seems he was busy getting a tattoo of his face, on his face and that he’d aired his thoughts to the rest on 33.33 FM.

Venue – 3 Storys, Kasturba Road Cross, Off Lavelle Road, Bangalore

Recommended – Don’t even think about it

Music – Does not exist

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - *

Ambience - **

Service - **

Ice-Spice Bistro

Boredom can make people do really crazy things. The Hoggers, the protagonists of these escapades usually tackle such a situation with good food, booze & light conversation, as it was imbibed into their impressionable minds from college-life vagaries.

So, it was quite a surprise, when Fickle Fin & Sloppy Sam, came up with a brilliant idea (at least it felt like so, at that moment) to visit a science museum. Surprisingly they reached the ‘venue’ & unsurprisingly late. It was well past 3 in the afternoon & any self-respecting foodie would know that most of the good restaurants would be closed for the afternoon.

So after enduring some irksome descriptions on the exhibits by the lone engineer - Beer Bob, they decided that a light snack would appease their rumbling stomachs, so went to the canteen in the museum run by Kadamba. It’s not their usual fare & of course, the food was predictably disgusting but the view was something to write about. It was great; the UB buildings, gave it at least a skyline to talk about.

Enough of that; the bad food made The Hoggers to search for a better haunt. The result was Ice-Spice on St. Marks Road. The Hoggers shuffled in, devoured in the menu & ordered some burgers. It was the ‘Tons of Fun Lamb Burgers’ for Beer Bob & Brewmaster Bryan they were always of the carnivorous kinds. The Duplicate Veggie Panner Pat had Veg Burger with cheese & fried egg (now you know why he’s a duplicate). Sloppy Sam wanted the entire menu but settled for the ‘Crispy Chicken Burger’. Fickle Fin jumped from a Cold Coffee (without ice-cream or whipped cream), to a hot Coffee, and then soon skipped that for a ‘Raspberry Fizz’. Anyways, he ended up getting an orange coloured fizz that reminded him of his days as a craver of Rasna. The waiter even tried convincing that it was indeed a Raspberry, in vain. The Pseudo-Sophisticated was tied up with ‘appointments’ (yeah right!). The Hoggers called him up anyway; he contemplated the issue for half an hour & came to the conclusion that an auto-ride would be too demeaning to his stature. Unfizzled by the turndown, The Hoggers stuck to their mission.

The food was good. The lamb patties which were tender & juicy deserve special mention. The veggie burger with fried egg was a weird but must try combination. The crispy chicken burger was quite different from the usual Mc Donaldish Burgers. The filling was not a patty but a crisp boneless chicken piece. As usual Sloppy Sam was in a hurry to devour the burger & scooped out the stuffing and made a mess. The burgers were big, tasty & easy on the wallet, what more can foodies ask from a dish?

Then came the deserts, the chocolate tarts were heavenly but the Ferrero-Rocher Cake was terrible. It seemed they just dipped it a pool of mud mistaking it for chocolate syrup.

Venue - Ice-Spice Bistro, St Marks Road, Bangalore

Recommended - Tons of Fun Burger, Chocolate Tarts

Music - Radio

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - ****

Ambience - **

Service - *(the guy messed up the Fin’s drink)

The Hoggers' Evolution

What’s it that you’ve always wanted to articulate? Cheesy words like love, lust, friendship, relationships? But there’s a place for taste though. And if you dig deeper you’ll end up with FOOD. Now, what if we could articulate that for you? Hi, we’re a bunch of Foodaholics, who’ve spent funs of time and tons of cash to indulge in one of the carnal pleasures that humans can’t resist – FOOD, just so that you don’t have to! Welcome to our world, where there’s nothing more motivating & intriguing than eating good food!

DISCLAIMER: If you’re one of those who consider the canteen food to be the best diets around or love eating some brown bread & green salad with some sugarless juice for every meal or think KFC/Mc D/Transit/Whatever has the menu to satisfy your appetite then we suggest you do not read further. And if you’re a PETA activist we deeply regret any inconvenience caused as we did not kill the animals or vegetables we ate!

Coming to who we are, well, we do have names and we aren’t some invisible critics spending our wet dreams on the internet. The Hoggers’ main protagonists are:

Fickle Fin – The guy who gets all the orders screwed up (the waiters just hate him)

Brewmaster Bryan – The guy who’d blend the high spirits (it’s never too late for a drink)

Beer Bob – The guy with a penchant for finding those spirits (never say beer again)

Sloppy Sam – The guy who’ll just have anything (2 menus and a black tea for him)

Paneer Pat – The duplicate veggie (the confused soul )

The Pseudo Sophisticated – Well, you really don't want to know (Err...err...you lost him there)

By now you’d be having an idea what we’re on for. You do the little job you're trained to do. Pull a lever. Push a button. You don't understand any of it, and then you just die. Life’s too busy for you to remember to have a good time. That’s where we come in. We want you to have that good time and eat that good food because there’s no point dying without a few scars. Yeah, we accept we’re food critics, but the whole point is we’re not going to go about it the way you’ve always seen or heard. We are definitely not going to indulge in technicalities like the amount of carbs or fat or protein of the food we eat. Just because that shit’s boring, period. Now where do you find strangers with such honesty?

So the next time you you’re taking someone out, you know where to go and whom to thank. FYI when we’re running the show we do invite guests and there might be a day when one of them is you. At the end of the day we’re just here for our elation and hope that in some way or day it translate in to yours. And remember, after eating, everything else in your life got the volume turned down. You could deal with anything!

P.S: Due to our geographical limitations & the fact that we’re living on borrowed money, we’ll be only reviewing restaurants in Bangalore.