The French Quarter Bistro

The Hoggers have always advocated against healthy diets. If you’re feeling tired, cranky or bloated it’s perhaps the time to change your lifestyle. And that means you can trade soy chunks for red meat and green tea for chocolate milkshakes. Well the French don’t think like The Hoggers. Beacuse they are a bunch of anorexic geeks who get their nose jobs done in American clinics. That’s maybe the reason why their food is too fragile, too thin and too anorexic. In your pursuit of fitness, you’ve probably generated a list full of healthy, hearty foods but you’re itching for something yummy. Then this one’s definitely not for you!

The Entrance, Chicken Liver & Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines

The humdrum of unemployment were ringing too strident in the minds of The Hoggers. That’s when the sad news broke out that Sam had finally got the chance to earn some green. The disappointment among the lot also meant this was the chance to despoil the squirrel. Carrying hardened hearts they decided to go extravagant with their choice and ended up at French Quarter Bistro in Indiranagar. The calm and inexpressive locale had nothing laudable about it. The menu and specials were, least to say, disconsolate words put up together to make no sagacity to their minds.

Spiral Spinach with Mushroom & Cheese, Steak Au Poivre, Tenderloin Steak with Red Wine

Fin seemed too exacerbated by the summer heat. He directly went for a simple Mango Blast. Sam & Pat followed it up with a Fresh Lime Soda. Bryan & Bob had an extravagant glee in their grins. So, couple of Brandy & Beers later they picked up Chicken Liver as starters. A peeved Sam gulped down his expensive soda with disgust. Pat ordered Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines for the herbies & Fin agreed as though he’d understood everything what it would turn out to be. Sam felt the need for a soup and went for a Soupe Au Pisto. Bryan & Bob made their choice easier for the main course (they were unable to grasp anything written on the menu). They blindly ordered for the most expensive item on the menu which turned out to be Tenderloin Steak with Red Sauce and Steak Au Poivre. Sam settled for an FQ Chicken with Peppercorn & Cream. Pat was rattled to find out that Paneer was yet to be invented in France. After much persuasion from Fin they gibed on Spiral Spinach with Mushroom & Cheese.

Chef's Special Chicken & FQ Chicken with Peppercorn & Cream

The sight of food was itself a disappointment as it was too paltry for their appetites. The scanty dressing and the quintessence of bread with each item exasperated them to unprecedented levels. The Chicken Liver was soft yet bland. The olives were the only ones giving it flavour and it was minced to the scummy levels. The Mango Blast & Lime Soda proved to be some really expensive blunders. The Oven Roasted Baby Aubergines managed to be slightly on the delectable side. But then, how wrong can you go with a bunch of brinjals? The Soupe Au Pisto too lived a toothsome life down Sam’s throat.

Coming to the main course, the Spiral Spinach was pretty bland as well. The stifle combination failed to impress the herbies. Sam seemed pleased with his FQ Chicken as it had a touch of spices & the flavouring really engrossed the meat. Perhaps Bob was the only one with a clear winner. The Steak Au Poivre was tender, juicy & cooked medium rare to perfection. But the beef of Bryan’s Tenderloin Steak seemed to have come from cattle on which the French conducted some serious bestiality for a new porn film. It was a dead rubber with no juices intact and the red wine sauce was too sour for his liking. The food did not result in a predilection of sorts for the entire group. Sam & Bryan were adamant to have another picking to compile a proper review. They went for the Chef’s Special Chicken. Once it was tasted, the Brandy & Beer took its toll on Bryan who barged into the kitchen with a fork to kill the Chef!

The food wasn’t profligate but the cheque remained to be. Alas, that’s all Bryan & Bob had wished for. The swarming hands of miser Sam reached for their necks. The Pseudo Sophisticated couldn’t make it even this time. It seems he’s been tuning his musical skills. Last heard he’s got into Elton John, not literally of course!

Venue - #298, 100 Feet road, Indiranagar

Recommended – Steak Au Poivre

Music – Santana crooning at his worst

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Woodstok

There’s something exquisite about continental cooking. Apparently it’s the only way a man could ever get away with his culinary skills. That is because men do not multi task, apart from screwing up several things at the same time! On a hot Sunday noon, while brushing away the cobwebs of an alcohol induced sleep, Bryan hit upon the obviousness of a nice cosy lunch. Bob too agreed as they were in no mood to confirm their depravity towards cooking. And it had to be continental in order to help cure the hangover.

The result was a nice clamped little restaurant in Indiranagar. Woodstok, is by no means your ordinary dining option. It’s got a class of its own. Cramped to a corner, off the main road, it’s a cosy yet beautiful little fad built with stones and wood. It’s a nice way to spend your boring Sunday perched atop a balcony that’ll please, even the most pernickety of thin lipped feminists. The food was just as pleasing as the thought. Sipping into his Chocolate Blizzard, Fin was enthused by Bryan’s choice of dining. The continental flare is evident in the menu. Bryan & Bob wasted no time in plumping for The London Hose Grill. Fin scanned the menu with his cardinal rules and after Bryan administered the most almighty kick to his plums, he sought refuge with a Cottage Cheese Sizzler.

Cottage Cheese Sizzler and London House Grill

The London House Grill was an unambiguous picking of the best meats they could get. And it turned out to be a preeminent bout of vanity on a plate. The ham, beef & chicken cooked to the right textures cleared the doom-laden Sunday boredom. The meats were tender, juicy & appetizing enough. The Cottage Cheese Sizzler was a huge pile resting on some hot rice that was quickly mucked up by Fin. The oozing flow from the fat bed of veggies, baked into a succulent meal, did wonders for Fin that afternoon. The dessert was Blueberry Cheese Cake and it proved why the place was so popular for its pastries. Even the ice cream is made in-house and the kind of seriousness with which they go about flavouring it, is just intense.

But more than the food it’s the place that overwhelms you. The fine setting, the cosy ambience, the works are so facet that you just marvel at it. So it is definitely the place to go when you and the lads want to have a nice outing after an evening of drinking and share some good ribaldry.

Pat could not make it as he’s been heeding the cries of commitment yet again so he went thong shopping for the imaginary muse! Yeah, right! Sam decided that he was too short, too fat and too broke to fit into the itinerary for the day. The Pseudo Sophisticated is back from heaven and put all his winning money on black and it came up red. He then married a sex kitten just that she turned into a cat. After which he moved into the gold just as all the clever money moved out. Cut to the chase, he’s totally screwed up!

Venue - #3777, Domlur Service Road, HAL 2nd Stage, Indiranagar

Recommended – London House Grill & all Desserts

Music – Peaceful & Quiet

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ****

Ambience - ****

Service - ****

The Egg Factory

A quaint call from the Hoggers, set my heart racing, the caller sounded like Stephen Hawking on a bad day. He was clearly not into niceties; he just came to the point and asked me for a suggestion. Being an eggitarian the best I could come up was The Egg Factory. I asserted the need for lunch & chalked out the time at 1300 hours.

I reached there with minutes to spare. I walked in - the sight that greeted was not exactly what I expected to see. There, around the table sat five masked people and in black jumpsuits with name tags. I was ushered into an empty seat at the end of the table. One of them shoved a menu card and asked me to order lavishly for an extensive food review. Reckon they were inebriated to a point of disputable return. I wondered how wickedly a human mind could function. Alas, they did not seem human. They communicated to each other in Morse code which I could barely understand. I even found it difficult to pick their nascence. Ignoring the megalomaniac setting of an old tavern, I went about with my job. I picked up the dishes based on the inputs from the server. Initially I wasn’t able to perpetuate to the various demands of The Hoggers’ appetite but my prostate efforts to impress them did work out in my favour.

Mushroom Feta & Spinach Omelette and Southwestern Frittata

Anda Paapdi Chaat, Egg Chilly, Hungarian Omelette, Mushroom Spinach & Feta Omelette and South-western Frittata were the starters chosen by me. Just when I decided to move on, Fin cried out for a Pink Lady. He seemed to be pretty obscure with the choice. I realised it was a strawberry based drink but guess he took it the wrong way. Bryan & Bob were still nursing their fractured hopes of getting a drink. Sadly the place did not serve alcohol. However, they went for a Lime Soda. Sam kept laughing at their debauchery and kept nagging all the while. Pat seemed to be oblivious to the happenings. It wrongly appeared to me as though he'd been dreaming a fornicatress! Nevertheless, good sense prevailed and I was proved wrong.

Egg Chilly and Anda Paapdi Chaat

Pink Lady and Lime Soda

Deciding to move on, I went about all guns blazing for the main course. It was Corn & Pepper Biryani, Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta, Eggs & Mushroom Ragout Penne, Eggs Florentine, Mighty Mushroom Pasta, Tangy Tomato Pasta and finally Penne Alfredo with Cilantro Pesto & Eggs. After excusing me from further tensions, we dug into the starters. From the line up the Egg Chilly stood out for its perfect execution. The boiled eggs in capsicum and red chilli sauce were indeed mouth watering. The desi Anda Paapdi Chaat was crispy and well served.

That's me!!!

The Hungarian Omelette wasn’t that good though. It lacked any peculiar taste and the serving was too feeble. Mushroom Spinach & Feta Omelette was a mediocre offering. The South-western Frittata had good texture and the tartar sauce spread really gave it a good flavour.

Corn & Pepper Biriyani and Tangy Tomato Pasta

We all desperately waited for the main course to arrive. The wait that ensued was quite perturbing. But it was worth every minute of our time. The only let down was the Corn & Pepper Biryani which turned out to be too salty with a bland raita. The Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta was cooked well and had a good tomato texture to it. The creamy layering on Eggs & Mushroom Ragout Penne did wonders to its taste. Egg Florentine was a beautiful and delicious serving.

Desi Penne & Eggs Pasta, Eggs Florentine, Mighty Mushroom Pasta

It had boiled eggs cut into shapes of heart drenched in creamy white sauce. The simple yet effective flavouring on the Mighty Mushroom Pasta gave it a scrumptious effect. Tangy Tomato Pasta literally lived up to its name. The fastidious offering gave out a luscious taste. I was delighted that The Hoggers were indeed reminiscent of my suggestions. The final picking was Strawberry Cheese Cake as dessert. The soft texture and saccharine taste assured me that I had a winner.

Penne Alfredo with Cilantro Pesto & Eggs, Eggs Mushroom Ragout Penne, Hungarian Omelette

The cheque was immediately devoured by the crew and they did keep their promise (I did not have to pay). The time came to part ways & I couldn’t help but enquire about the demise of The Pseudo Sophisticated. Bryan pulled out a post card sent by The Pseudo from the gates of heaven. It read: “Mr. Saran, at the outset please consider my deepest apologies for being unable to host you for lunch. I would like to inform you that I’m currently near to heaven and the inclement weather kept me stranded at the airport. You’d be happy to note that I won the strip poker game against God and am now allowed to return to earth. What kept me interested in the game was the fact that God was indeed a woman! Yours Truly, The Pseudo Sophisticated.”

Strawberry Cheesecake and The Aftermath

Venue - Ground Floor, White House, St Marks Road

Recommended – Mighty Mushroom Pasta, Desi Penne Pasta, Egg Chilly & Strawberry Cheesecake

Music – Morse code (The Hoggers communicate in it & I was all ears)

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

Nagarjuna

The noontides in The Hoggers’ surge to find the best biryani in Bangalore got a head start through a suggestion made by a dedicated foodie. The momentous culmination to those distant afternoons and nights filled with frustration ended at Nagarjuna Restaurant. The place had an air of creative ambivalence and was done up well to the point of perfection. That the food would be limited to biryani was an obvious certainty. Yet, they divulged the menu to get a feel of the place.

The food on offer was limited. They served Andhra cuisine at its best. Fin being the veggie that he is took a hell lot of a time to zero down to a choice. Pat was too miffed to find that the place did not have his favourite dish. The revelation surged into his fractured recollects and filled in the lacunae with a snowy aftertaste. Bryan, Bob & Sam already had their choices well in hand. The herbies finally decided to go with Curd Rice & pickle as an assortment. The undependable Chicken Biryani was the immediate cry from the meat lovers. The food arrived almost immediately. With the first morsel itself, Bob’s eyes gleamed. That brought about a shine on Bryan’s face. Sam was undeterred about the whole happening as he ruthlessly ripped apart the chicken. Fin & Pat seemed mighty happy with their serving too. Finally the wait was over.

The biryani was cooked to perfection. The rice did not smother them like the previous ones. The flavouring & spices created the aroma that went missing in most biryanis in Bangalore. Chicken pieces we tender and the masala really had a wrap around them. The raita served was bland though. The Curd Rice which had all the chances of going wrong actually livened the proceeding. The pickle assortment kept things spicy. After the meal they all concurred on the fact that this was indeed the best biryani in Bangalore. Period!

Since it was a dedicated quest for the best biryani they could not indulge in the other hot pickings on the menu. They left the place with a promise to return. After all it had been a desirable sojourn!

The Pseudo Sophisticated was killed by the rest of the crew for his mis-endeavours. Last heard he was playing strip poker with St.Peter for an entry into heaven. It seems that he has challenged God for a game too, with the stakes being a chance to return to earth!

Venue- 44/1, Residency Road

Recommended – THE BIRYANI (Chicken or Mutton)

Music – Kenny G (it seems he was pressing for the Telangana issue)

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

TGI Friday's

The Hoggers had congregated at the HQ to discuss the pressing issue of getting money for food. After half an hour of deliberations they decided to sell the entire old bottle collection. Rummaging through the crap, they found an odd looking bottle and to their amazement it felt full. They attacked it with extreme prejudice, the bottle opened with a whiff of smoke which knocked both of them down.

“Buurrrpppp!!!” came a noise from all the smoke & they were staring at a - wait for it - Genie and he seemed to be drunk! Having grown up on porn & not Disney cartoons they were pretty puzzled at the rearing. Fin inquired “Ok, who the fuck are you supposed to be?”

“Well, you dumb fucks, I thought the theatrics would have given you a hint, I am what you call a fucking genie, you get three wishes and I get to call you master yada, yada, yada you get the picture” replied the genie. Bob took control of the situation, “So let me get this right, you owe us three wishes and we can wish for anything we want?”

“I thought I was clear about that when I gave my fucking intro” Fin wasn’t too sure about the drunken ghost performing a Houdini for them. Well when was he ever sure of something in the first place?

“Ok, first things with first” Bob looked around for consensus, the famous Hogger telepathy worked its magic, “we would like to eat something substantial, so we wish to eat at TGIF” Bryan grinned at Bob’s laudable suggestion. After all they had some company for the drinks!

Poof!!

The Hoggers were seated at a table, with the menus already served. Picking the best out of the menu seemed to be a tedious task. It was by far the best menu they’d seen in a long while. Sam did not join as he felt that he was better looking than the genie although their sizes remained the same. The appetizers were Tuscan Vegetable Melt & Parmesan Crusted Chicken Quesadillas. Meanwhile the genie helped himself at the bar counter. The invisibility factor worked in his favour. Bryan & Bob ordered some drinks to go along with the food. They were adamant on their choice for main course, Strip Steak with Jack Daniel Sauce! Fin had to be reassured that he was indeed fickle minded & Pat’s absence due to non availability of paneer wasn’t helping him either. Hence he jumped from Garden Burger to Pasta Arrabiatta to Stri Fried Tofu Noodles. And just when the rest thought he made a choice he changed his order to Cottage Cheese Tchoupatoulis (whatever that meant).

The food was too delicious to be true. The Crusted Chicken had the perfect crispy flavour. The tortillas in it blended well with the sautéed chicken & tomato-basil mix. Also the dash of bacon added to the surprise element. Tuscan Vegetable literally melted in their mouths. Fin & Bob loved the layers of mozzarella cheese and the soup served with it. The roasted onion & tomato spreading on the grilled butter bread was done to perfection. Bryan revelled at the luscious picking. The Strip Steak was well done to please the demanding carnivores that Bob & Bryan are. The scrumptious oozing of Jack Daniel sauce on their steaks brought a twinkle in their eye! The old fashioned cast iron serving was juicy & tender. It was not over done like the ones at most steakhouses they’d visited earlier. The seasoning was well advocated & the succulent smoky smell of the grill lasted the entire night!

The food was so heavy; they just lied back and relaxed. The bill came and everybody looked at the genie. But the drunken ass looked unabashed. “You said you wanted to eat at TGIF, you didn’t mention FREE”

“What the fuck? I thought it was implicit” countered Bryan

“Well, it doesn’t work that way, you wankers!”

The Hoggers gingerly looked at the bill. The damage was substantial, a whopping 7k! So they decided to use the second wish.

Poof!

They were back in their room and the genie said “I think my work here is done, I’m outta here fucking scumbags!!!”

“Wait a second; we still got a wish left” argued Bob

“Nope, one of your partners used it to get some handmade tissues from Belgium. So long suckers!!!” Poof! The Genie was gone.

It did not take long to realise who that partner was. The Pseudo Sophisticated was conspicuous by his absence. “Boy! That was one foul-mouthed genie” declared Bob. Fin, Bryan & Bob picked up their forks to kill the Pseudo... (To be continued)

Venue – 1, Carlton Tower, Airport Road, Domlur

Recommended – Everything

Music – Constant clutter of forks & knives

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - **** (free food never hurts)

Ambience - ***

Service - ***

Oye Amritsar

The city sends a cold January wind sweeping the aromas of spices. You dwell to be the traveller who’s not keen on arriving. But, the paradox of a rumbling tummy is too much to be left unattended. A destination is immediately chalked down. They kept up with the malignantly blinding lights of vehicles opposite, survived the silence of drenched lamp posts, ignored the melancholy of cinema hoardings, frisked away from the apologetic remains of an alley cat and finally arrived. The destination, Oye Amritsar!

The place did share the joyous glee in their eyes. It was a bright, colourful and the open air setting tried hard to impress them. It was done up to replicate an authentic Punjabi dhaba and everything from the menu card to the rest rooms screamed in revelry. But this is no ordinary dhaba at least the menu card implied the raucous cacophony. Fin & Pat were too busy scanning through the colourful assortment of non-living things that they were going to eat. This bored Bryan who immediately ordered for beer so as to liven things up. Bob & Sam broke into an argument over the quantity of starters and finally agreed on having 2 full plates of Lawrence Road De Tawa Tikke. Bryan nonchalantly went for another bottle of beer. Fin read the possibility of Pat breaking in to an eminent monologue and ordered Hara Masala Ke Bhuna Paneer (of course, how could they avoid the cow) for the herbies. Pat was smothered by Bryan’s beer drinking spree and ordered Lassi for the rest of the group. Bob in the meantime chartered to pick up a new habit as a New Year resolution. And after despicable discussions he decided to start smoking! Moving on, the main course was Butter Naans, Bhuna Dahiwala Kukkad & Murg Lahori for the carnivores. Pat & Fin had Lahori Dingari Kofta for gravy.

The food in general did not live up to the hype surrounding it. The Tawa Tikke was hard on the spices and cooked by someone who had no sense of taste. The Dingari Kofta was too soft and lacked the texture. It was tangy & sweet at the same time. Murg Lahori seemed like some sort of tomato soup with pieces of chicken mixed up. The paneer also turned out to be bland just like the flat beer Bryan had. The Naans & Kukkad did save the day as Sam happily helped himself with 13 servings. The disappointing fact was that the quantity of dishes was too meagre and did not substantiate the price. Memories of the expensive outing did fade away with the dying echoes of the last chime of the midnight hour. Oye Amritsar wasn’t that “oye” after all!

The Pseudo Sophisticated could not join them for the eventful outing. It seems he had a conversation with God and was miffed after realizing that God did not recognise him!

Venue – 54, 5th A Cross, Koramangala

Recommended – Bhuna Dahiwala Kukkad

Music – Bollywood songs

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - *

Ambience - ***

Service - ***

Indi Joe

Exams restricted The Hoggers, from going out hunting for better food, for a long time. That’s because their sponsors could not afford the money for re-exams. The end of it sparked their quest to devour new tastes. The decision was unanimous favouring the fat rich sizzlers at Indi Joe on Church Street.

Indi Joe poses as western cuisine haven. The place screams out loud for attention. The rock n’ roll setting wasn’t helping them to like the place either. It looked like a hippie hideout but the music played did not sync well with the feel of the place. They were still perplexed to the thought that the decision could be wrong. They went in to have the feel of the much hyped menu. The menu turned out to be predictable with scintillating sizzlers and short eats. But the drinks menu was too short for the liking of Beer Bob & Brewmaster Bryan.

The order was to be placed and Fickle Fin could still not figure out the relative importance of a choice. He put his qualms at rest by ordering a Mushroom Cheese Sizzler. Sloppy Sam had a Satellite Chicken, the name must have sent have sent him a signal that he will get a lot to eat (he did of course get a lot). Bob & Bryan were univocal in their thoughts and ended up having Indi Joe’s version of the Double Barrel Sizzler & beer to wash it all down.

The sizzlers were served well and proved to be very rich & filling. Alas, the same could not be said for the taste. The Satellite Chicken was bland & a bit on the raw side. But it did not deter Sam’s indomitable spirit. Fin’s order turned out to be a brown assortment of huge boulders. The Mushroom Cheese was a disappointment as it lacked any texture or sense of taste. The only saving grace was The Double Barrel sizzler which was soft and tender. The beef was particularly juicy and the sauces were just right. Bryan & Bob had a nice meal but their tummies weren’t eloquent enough to clean up the plates. The beer wasn't helping either as it turned out to be flat. The food was like an unending saga. It was too much for a normal appetite. And it did hurt them the next day. An aura of paedophilia filled in as they left the place after burning the pockets. The disappointment triggered a phase of sadism from which they recovered in the subsequent 13 minutes.

Paneer Pat could not make it as he was nursing a cow Bryan & Bob had shot the other day. He’s become a saviour of cows for the sake of the paneer. Meanwhile, The Pseudo Sophisticated was having troubled times. It seems he’d cracked The Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds and was upset that The Lost Symbol was never really lost in the first place.

Venue – 46/2, Kalpak Arcade, Church Street

Recommended – Indi Joe’s Double Barrel Sizzler

Music – Rock & Pop

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***