Nagarjuna

The noontides in The Hoggers’ surge to find the best biryani in Bangalore got a head start through a suggestion made by a dedicated foodie. The momentous culmination to those distant afternoons and nights filled with frustration ended at Nagarjuna Restaurant. The place had an air of creative ambivalence and was done up well to the point of perfection. That the food would be limited to biryani was an obvious certainty. Yet, they divulged the menu to get a feel of the place.

The food on offer was limited. They served Andhra cuisine at its best. Fin being the veggie that he is took a hell lot of a time to zero down to a choice. Pat was too miffed to find that the place did not have his favourite dish. The revelation surged into his fractured recollects and filled in the lacunae with a snowy aftertaste. Bryan, Bob & Sam already had their choices well in hand. The herbies finally decided to go with Curd Rice & pickle as an assortment. The undependable Chicken Biryani was the immediate cry from the meat lovers. The food arrived almost immediately. With the first morsel itself, Bob’s eyes gleamed. That brought about a shine on Bryan’s face. Sam was undeterred about the whole happening as he ruthlessly ripped apart the chicken. Fin & Pat seemed mighty happy with their serving too. Finally the wait was over.

The biryani was cooked to perfection. The rice did not smother them like the previous ones. The flavouring & spices created the aroma that went missing in most biryanis in Bangalore. Chicken pieces we tender and the masala really had a wrap around them. The raita served was bland though. The Curd Rice which had all the chances of going wrong actually livened the proceeding. The pickle assortment kept things spicy. After the meal they all concurred on the fact that this was indeed the best biryani in Bangalore. Period!

Since it was a dedicated quest for the best biryani they could not indulge in the other hot pickings on the menu. They left the place with a promise to return. After all it had been a desirable sojourn!

The Pseudo Sophisticated was killed by the rest of the crew for his mis-endeavours. Last heard he was playing strip poker with St.Peter for an entry into heaven. It seems that he has challenged God for a game too, with the stakes being a chance to return to earth!

Venue- 44/1, Residency Road

Recommended – THE BIRYANI (Chicken or Mutton)

Music – Kenny G (it seems he was pressing for the Telangana issue)

Variety - ***

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

TGI Friday's

The Hoggers had congregated at the HQ to discuss the pressing issue of getting money for food. After half an hour of deliberations they decided to sell the entire old bottle collection. Rummaging through the crap, they found an odd looking bottle and to their amazement it felt full. They attacked it with extreme prejudice, the bottle opened with a whiff of smoke which knocked both of them down.

“Buurrrpppp!!!” came a noise from all the smoke & they were staring at a - wait for it - Genie and he seemed to be drunk! Having grown up on porn & not Disney cartoons they were pretty puzzled at the rearing. Fin inquired “Ok, who the fuck are you supposed to be?”

“Well, you dumb fucks, I thought the theatrics would have given you a hint, I am what you call a fucking genie, you get three wishes and I get to call you master yada, yada, yada you get the picture” replied the genie. Bob took control of the situation, “So let me get this right, you owe us three wishes and we can wish for anything we want?”

“I thought I was clear about that when I gave my fucking intro” Fin wasn’t too sure about the drunken ghost performing a Houdini for them. Well when was he ever sure of something in the first place?

“Ok, first things with first” Bob looked around for consensus, the famous Hogger telepathy worked its magic, “we would like to eat something substantial, so we wish to eat at TGIF” Bryan grinned at Bob’s laudable suggestion. After all they had some company for the drinks!

Poof!!

The Hoggers were seated at a table, with the menus already served. Picking the best out of the menu seemed to be a tedious task. It was by far the best menu they’d seen in a long while. Sam did not join as he felt that he was better looking than the genie although their sizes remained the same. The appetizers were Tuscan Vegetable Melt & Parmesan Crusted Chicken Quesadillas. Meanwhile the genie helped himself at the bar counter. The invisibility factor worked in his favour. Bryan & Bob ordered some drinks to go along with the food. They were adamant on their choice for main course, Strip Steak with Jack Daniel Sauce! Fin had to be reassured that he was indeed fickle minded & Pat’s absence due to non availability of paneer wasn’t helping him either. Hence he jumped from Garden Burger to Pasta Arrabiatta to Stri Fried Tofu Noodles. And just when the rest thought he made a choice he changed his order to Cottage Cheese Tchoupatoulis (whatever that meant).

The food was too delicious to be true. The Crusted Chicken had the perfect crispy flavour. The tortillas in it blended well with the sautéed chicken & tomato-basil mix. Also the dash of bacon added to the surprise element. Tuscan Vegetable literally melted in their mouths. Fin & Bob loved the layers of mozzarella cheese and the soup served with it. The roasted onion & tomato spreading on the grilled butter bread was done to perfection. Bryan revelled at the luscious picking. The Strip Steak was well done to please the demanding carnivores that Bob & Bryan are. The scrumptious oozing of Jack Daniel sauce on their steaks brought a twinkle in their eye! The old fashioned cast iron serving was juicy & tender. It was not over done like the ones at most steakhouses they’d visited earlier. The seasoning was well advocated & the succulent smoky smell of the grill lasted the entire night!

The food was so heavy; they just lied back and relaxed. The bill came and everybody looked at the genie. But the drunken ass looked unabashed. “You said you wanted to eat at TGIF, you didn’t mention FREE”

“What the fuck? I thought it was implicit” countered Bryan

“Well, it doesn’t work that way, you wankers!”

The Hoggers gingerly looked at the bill. The damage was substantial, a whopping 7k! So they decided to use the second wish.

Poof!

They were back in their room and the genie said “I think my work here is done, I’m outta here fucking scumbags!!!”

“Wait a second; we still got a wish left” argued Bob

“Nope, one of your partners used it to get some handmade tissues from Belgium. So long suckers!!!” Poof! The Genie was gone.

It did not take long to realise who that partner was. The Pseudo Sophisticated was conspicuous by his absence. “Boy! That was one foul-mouthed genie” declared Bob. Fin, Bryan & Bob picked up their forks to kill the Pseudo... (To be continued)

Venue – 1, Carlton Tower, Airport Road, Domlur

Recommended – Everything

Music – Constant clutter of forks & knives

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - **** (free food never hurts)

Ambience - ***

Service - ***

Oye Amritsar

The city sends a cold January wind sweeping the aromas of spices. You dwell to be the traveller who’s not keen on arriving. But, the paradox of a rumbling tummy is too much to be left unattended. A destination is immediately chalked down. They kept up with the malignantly blinding lights of vehicles opposite, survived the silence of drenched lamp posts, ignored the melancholy of cinema hoardings, frisked away from the apologetic remains of an alley cat and finally arrived. The destination, Oye Amritsar!

The place did share the joyous glee in their eyes. It was a bright, colourful and the open air setting tried hard to impress them. It was done up to replicate an authentic Punjabi dhaba and everything from the menu card to the rest rooms screamed in revelry. But this is no ordinary dhaba at least the menu card implied the raucous cacophony. Fin & Pat were too busy scanning through the colourful assortment of non-living things that they were going to eat. This bored Bryan who immediately ordered for beer so as to liven things up. Bob & Sam broke into an argument over the quantity of starters and finally agreed on having 2 full plates of Lawrence Road De Tawa Tikke. Bryan nonchalantly went for another bottle of beer. Fin read the possibility of Pat breaking in to an eminent monologue and ordered Hara Masala Ke Bhuna Paneer (of course, how could they avoid the cow) for the herbies. Pat was smothered by Bryan’s beer drinking spree and ordered Lassi for the rest of the group. Bob in the meantime chartered to pick up a new habit as a New Year resolution. And after despicable discussions he decided to start smoking! Moving on, the main course was Butter Naans, Bhuna Dahiwala Kukkad & Murg Lahori for the carnivores. Pat & Fin had Lahori Dingari Kofta for gravy.

The food in general did not live up to the hype surrounding it. The Tawa Tikke was hard on the spices and cooked by someone who had no sense of taste. The Dingari Kofta was too soft and lacked the texture. It was tangy & sweet at the same time. Murg Lahori seemed like some sort of tomato soup with pieces of chicken mixed up. The paneer also turned out to be bland just like the flat beer Bryan had. The Naans & Kukkad did save the day as Sam happily helped himself with 13 servings. The disappointing fact was that the quantity of dishes was too meagre and did not substantiate the price. Memories of the expensive outing did fade away with the dying echoes of the last chime of the midnight hour. Oye Amritsar wasn’t that “oye” after all!

The Pseudo Sophisticated could not join them for the eventful outing. It seems he had a conversation with God and was miffed after realizing that God did not recognise him!

Venue – 54, 5th A Cross, Koramangala

Recommended – Bhuna Dahiwala Kukkad

Music – Bollywood songs

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - *

Ambience - ***

Service - ***

Indi Joe

Exams restricted The Hoggers, from going out hunting for better food, for a long time. That’s because their sponsors could not afford the money for re-exams. The end of it sparked their quest to devour new tastes. The decision was unanimous favouring the fat rich sizzlers at Indi Joe on Church Street.

Indi Joe poses as western cuisine haven. The place screams out loud for attention. The rock n’ roll setting wasn’t helping them to like the place either. It looked like a hippie hideout but the music played did not sync well with the feel of the place. They were still perplexed to the thought that the decision could be wrong. They went in to have the feel of the much hyped menu. The menu turned out to be predictable with scintillating sizzlers and short eats. But the drinks menu was too short for the liking of Beer Bob & Brewmaster Bryan.

The order was to be placed and Fickle Fin could still not figure out the relative importance of a choice. He put his qualms at rest by ordering a Mushroom Cheese Sizzler. Sloppy Sam had a Satellite Chicken, the name must have sent have sent him a signal that he will get a lot to eat (he did of course get a lot). Bob & Bryan were univocal in their thoughts and ended up having Indi Joe’s version of the Double Barrel Sizzler & beer to wash it all down.

The sizzlers were served well and proved to be very rich & filling. Alas, the same could not be said for the taste. The Satellite Chicken was bland & a bit on the raw side. But it did not deter Sam’s indomitable spirit. Fin’s order turned out to be a brown assortment of huge boulders. The Mushroom Cheese was a disappointment as it lacked any texture or sense of taste. The only saving grace was The Double Barrel sizzler which was soft and tender. The beef was particularly juicy and the sauces were just right. Bryan & Bob had a nice meal but their tummies weren’t eloquent enough to clean up the plates. The beer wasn't helping either as it turned out to be flat. The food was like an unending saga. It was too much for a normal appetite. And it did hurt them the next day. An aura of paedophilia filled in as they left the place after burning the pockets. The disappointment triggered a phase of sadism from which they recovered in the subsequent 13 minutes.

Paneer Pat could not make it as he was nursing a cow Bryan & Bob had shot the other day. He’s become a saviour of cows for the sake of the paneer. Meanwhile, The Pseudo Sophisticated was having troubled times. It seems he’d cracked The Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds and was upset that The Lost Symbol was never really lost in the first place.

Venue – 46/2, Kalpak Arcade, Church Street

Recommended – Indi Joe’s Double Barrel Sizzler

Music – Rock & Pop

Variety - **

Quality - ***

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Queen's

Food in all its avatars can never be merely functional. Food has to invoke emotion, reaction. Food has to arouse passion. Food has to excite and entice. It has to create memories. It has to become a part of your personal legacy. There’s also nothing wrong in deriving pleasure from food. This weekend, The Hoggers were in oblivious mood with their delicious utterances, to find a plate of food egging them to dig in! And that mood took them to Queen’s Restaurant on Church Street.

Paneer Pat vouched for the place as though it’s been owned by his in-laws. The dingy setting did not help Bryan & Bob to make up their minds. But, they went in due to Pat’s constant crooning. The interiors had a rustic look scorched with mirrors all over. Screening the menu was not much of trouble as it was short and sweet. The place serves authentic Punju food and the prices don’t hurt that much. Bryan & Bob went for Peshwari Kababs for starters while Pat lived up to his name and ordered Paneer Tikka. The Kababs were well cooked and had the tenderness of a blonde bombshell. The Paneer was bland as usual and Pat never really bothered to complaint. Moreover, the Mango Lassi that he’d ordered made him wish he’d cooked the Sunday lunch!

Mango Lassi, Chicken Peshwari & Paneer Tikka

The main course was Chicken Methiwala, Paneer Butter Masala & Butter Kulchas. Pat has lost a bit of his mind nowadays and is so obsessed with his name that he’s become monotonous with the food he eats. Bryan & Bob prayed for his early recovery but also promised that the next time he’s going to order paneer, they’d kill a cow. Chicken Methiwala never lived up to the expectations. It was more like vegetable based gravy which had chicken dropped in accidently, by a naive looking Afghan! Bryan & Bob decided that they weren’t going to review the Paneer Butter Masala ‘coz it’s become too boring to talk about. The Kulchas were good but not big enough to satisfy their exploding bellies. Overall, it was a mediocre visit and they were left unabashed.

Paneer Butter Masala, Chicken Methiwala & Kulcha

Fickle Fin visited the clinic that day. He spent about 2 hours deciding which part of his body was actually ailing & realised that he was spoilt for choice. Hence he returned. Sloppy Sam did not understand the directions given to him to reach the place. Last heard, he’d reached Buckingham Palace, London & ended up meeting The Queen! The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy in his “endeavours”. It seems he’d been involved in a stare-off with the Sun and that he’s too sad because he lost.

Venue – 7, Shringar Shopping Centre, Church Street

Recommended – Peshwari Kabas

Music – Non-stop yanking from the nearby table

Variety - **

Quality - **

Value for money - **

Ambience - **

Service - ***

Caesar's

Scene 1: The Decision

The incessant drizzling and sombre weather set the scene, a shade of grey drape the room, Brewmaster Bryan and Beer Bob lie on their backs staring at the ceiling, with an expression of frustration. They get up, look at each other and without a word being exchanged; it must have been telepathy or the fact that their stomachs were rumbling, that they unequivocally decided a good meal is what they needed.

Scene 2: Getting There

The heroes are in a rick, the camera follows them on a helicopter with gliding shots of the city. The rick comes to a stop in front of a restaurant named Caesars, on MG Road and after haggling with the rick guy, the two of them turn to look at the neon sign, which wouldn’t have looked out of place on a strip club. Skepticism creeps on to their faces, but they shrug and soldier on.

Scene 3: The Venue

The camera takes in the details of the huge restaurant, it was a symphony of green, green carpets, green walls and faded green chairs and the only relief was the dull pink tablecloth. The two recognise that the restaurant has seen better days; it’s just that the patronage has grown old and it has grown old with them, refusing to change with the times. They are ushered to a table and the menus served.

Getting bored of further abusing the contrivance of a screenplay, the writer decided to do this old school.

Bryan and Bob ordered a Mutton Pepper Soup to warm things up. The waiter suggested a better solution of Brandy with pepper. Tempted, both looked at their bulging tummies and politely refused. Bryan further ordered Steak ala Caesar’s (a double barrel combo of chicken & beef) and Bob a Chicken Kiev (tender chicken stuffed with butter & wrapped in a coating before being deep fried). The soup bought was quickly devoured, it was excellent, and a thick concoction of mutton stock and spices really warmed things up. A basket of garlic bread was given as accompaniment, but the bread wasn’t soft enough.

Chicken Kiev Steak ala Caesar's

Then the cavalry arrived. The steak was served with boiled veggies and the Kiev on a bed of mashed potatoes and both were heavenly. The beef was soft beyond reason; it just melted in their mouths. The Kiev, stuffed with butter and chicken was a sublime combination. Bryan isn’t a fan of milk products so Bob didn’t have to deal with his meddling fork. Alas, the same couldn’t be said for Bryan, as Bob’s fork constantly helped itself. The food was so good that sweet-tooth Bob didn’t bother with desserts

The rest of the cast were down and out due to various reasons. Fickle Fin was confused as to whether he should come or not. By the time he’d made a decision, Bob & Bryan were on their way back. Paneer Pat had no understanding of clouds. Hence, he backed off considering the fact that the rains might give him a much needed bath. Sloppy Sam was yet to digest the virus he’d eaten and did not want to risk his appetite. The Pseudo Sophisticated was busy as usual. It seems he researched on the ‘Credit Crunch’ and came to the conclusion that it was a breakfast cereal.

Caesars is an option, if you miss fine dining and if you want to do it on a budget. The restaurant has Chinese and Indian cuisine too.

Venue – 9/1 Mahalakshmi Chambers, MG Road

Recommended – Everything

Music – Boy-band songs (a faux- pas)

Variety - ****

Quality - ****

Value for money - ***

Ambience - ***

Service - ****

Lazeez

Looking back, it's tempting to find some strange augury in the last trip to 3 Storys. But The Hoggers have remembrances far worse than the midget at the helm here! Hence, they hunted down a small restaurant on a narrow winding street on a rather calm day. The Hoggers were lead to Lazeez Restaurant by their Pot Bellied Friend who'd quit his nonexistent "diet-to-reduce-your-cleavage" just that morning. It seems he calls his belly ‘Steve’ and that he’d once killed a giraffe with it.

Pronouncing the name of the restaurant was an exhilarating period of learning but The Hoggers couldn't waste time to indulge in quantum literature anymore. Barging in, they immediately went for the menu card. The place's hugely popular for it Katti Rolls and Kababs. The onus to order for the carnivores fell upon the shoulders of Brewmaster Bryan and he immediately shouted out for the Lazeez Special Kabab. The herbies, Pat & Fin weren't far behind; they'd made a killing with Masala Naans, Paneer Tikka and Paneer Mutter Masala. Thank God for the cow and its milk! Beer Bob stressed the importance of gravy and suggested the Mutton Tawa. Butter Naans and Mutton Biriyani were called in to complete the assortment. They washed it all down with some Coke since the place did not serve poison (alcohol).

The food in general was pretty decent. The Kababs were delicious especially the tiny chicken wings which were nice and tender. It was rightly cooked and the juices were just intact. Mutton Tawa was a huge disappointment as it was filled with something that looked like the goat genitals. Moreover, they'd filled it up with too much oil, this upset Bob and Bryan who were ‘dieting’. The veggies had a good lunch as the paneer actually saved the day for them. It had good texture and the tikkas weren't burnt in the usual style. Again, how wrong can you go with milk? Naans were soft but much smaller to their liking. The worst was the Mutton Biriyani which was cold, bland and never really looked like one. Bangalore's yet to impress The Hoggers with a good biriyani. It seems the city stole its biriyani recipe from the Pokhran tests which went wrong. They really need to look up for some spices.

But it was a good experience after all. Their Kathi Rolls are also a must try especially the Double Mutton-Egg combo. The guy selling rolls outside the college would commit hara-kiri if he were to eat one. Sloppy Sam was dearly missed as he'd contacted swine flu. Just when they were about to send in the condolences, news came in that he'd been cured by a simple remedy which always worked for him. He exterminated the virus by eating it. He's happy and kicking now. The Pseudo Sophisticated could not make it yet again. It seems he was busy explaining, to a 3 year old kid, that Star Wars was a documentary and that the character Darth Vader was based on him.

Venue – Lazeez Restaurant, No. 939, 1st Block, 1st Main Road, Koramangala

Recommended – Lazeez Special Kabas

Music – Blaring horns from the street

Variety - ***

Quality - ***

Value for money - ***

Ambience - **

Service - ***